1. ”Everyone can breastfeed if they try hard enough.”
No, everyone can’t. Yes, the percentage of women who physically can’t is very small, but until there are no more Booby Traps – cultural and institutional barriers to breastfeeding- that entire line of thinking is off-limits. See also: “Where there’s a will, there’s a way,” and “If you want to badly enough, you can do it.”
2. “Formula is poison.”
How would you feel if someone called the food you feed your infant “poison” or “garbage”? Talk about the facts on formula? Yes. Use pejoratives? No. We can discuss the risks of using formula without simultaneously shaming and belittling the moms who use it.
If you’re feeding your baby from THIS bottle, we have a problem.
3. ”Moms should be smart enough to see through formula marketing.”
Formula marketing is insanely effective. These companies wouldn’t spend bazillions of dollars on it if it didn’t work. And it doesn’t just work on the uneducated; it’s very savvy and appeals to moms of all backgrounds. It’s not a matter of being “smart enough”; it’s so pervasive that we can’t blame moms for not always seeing through it.
4. “Breast is best.”
No. Breast is normal. Breastfeeding is the biological norm. Anything less is inferior by default. “Best” conjurs a notion of something that only a select few can achieve and sets formula up as the norm; we want to talk about breastfeeding as something that’s achievable for almost all moms. See Diane Wiessinger’s game-changing post on why this language is so problematic, “Watch Your Language.”
5. “Formula-feeding moms are lazy.”
If we’re comparing using formula to directly breastfeeding the healthy, full-term infant, breastfeeding is a heck of a lot less work than formula-feeding. (Moms who pump a lot have more work than the direct breastfeeders, no doubt.) But preparing bottles, washing bottles, having to go buy formula: that’s more work than just putting baby to breast.
6. ”Moms who use formula don’t love/value their babies as much as moms who breastfeed.”
Seriously? Come on. By and large, all moms are trying to do right by their babies and love them in ways words can’t fully describe. Sure, there are bad apples; but they’re on both sides of the feeding debate. Breastfeeding ≠ good mom. Formula feeding ≠ bad mom. Parenting is so much more than how we feed our babies. Edited to add: See also, “Formula-feeding moms are selfish!”; how we feed our babies isn’t an automatic gauge of character. (Thanks Jessica from The Leaky Boob!)
7. “Take some fenugreek!”
Insert any number of other token pieces of breastfeeding advice here. It’s downright dangerous for moms to speak in prescriptive terms when it comes to breastfeeding problems. Most of the time, it’s not that simple, anyway. “Eliminate __[diary, gluten, etc-]___.”; “Buy Reglan/Domperidone online.”; “You have too much foremilk.”; “You only make skim milk.” Some of it is innocuous enough (albeit wrong) and some of it stands to be pretty damaging. Sharing stories peer-to-peer is one thing; discussing things a professional should be addressing is another.
8. “You could have breastfed if _____.”
Along the same lines as #7, Monday-morning quarterbacking a mom’s failed breastfeeding experience is a good way to rub salt in the wound. Unless she’s asking, and only if you have her whole history, it’s probably best to keep quiet with opinions – opinions! – on what might have saved her breastfeeding relationship.
9. “You’ll be able to breastfeed. It comes naturally, so don’t worry about it.”
This gem is usually one that expecting moms encounter. We lost a whole generation – if not more – of breastfeeders. We don’t know how to breastfeed anymore (in general) because most of us didn’t grow up seeing it. So today, moms do need to study up and prepare. That’s not to say they need to research every worst-case scenario, but some prep is likely necessary. Breastfeeding might be natural, but it definitely doesn’t always come naturally.
10. “Facts don’t hurt. You make yourself feel guilty.”
Really? A lot of moms use formula and they know the risks and the facts. They don’t feel good about them and they probably feel guilty. YES, we absolutely need to keep talking about the risks and the facts. But, throwing out “facts don’t hurt, you make yourself feel guilty!” is just an attempt at invalidating someone else’s feelings. IGT, jobs without maternity leave, being misinformed by doctors: those things don’t discriminate. It could be any mom. Similarly, because one mom made it through X circumstance, doesn’t mean another mom should or will be able to. There’s a time and a place for the facts, but empathy should be a constant in this discussion.
Lactivists, advocates, breastfeeding supporters of all kinds (yes, including the ones who’ve used formula!): What do you think? Is it time to put an end to the phrases on this list? What would you add?
Now that we’ve covered those, have a look at the Top 10 Things Breastfeeding Advocates SHOULD Say.
This is a post I originally wrote for Just West of Crunchy (5/27/2011), which now redirects to this site. I’ll be republishing my “Best of” from that site here on my new one. The original comments from JWOC are imported below.
NB: No one may republish this, translate it and republish it, or quote more than a couple lines of it without my express permission. I’ve given a few people permission to do things in the past (translate it, take my list and apply it to a specific group, like military moms, etc-) and I’m open to it, but ask first. If you take this and don’t ask, see #1 on my Disclaimers & Disclosures.
I think #1 is something people don’t think about the hurts the most.
I admit I wanted to breast feed so bad so when my daughter almost died at 4 days because she wasn’t getting milk & dehydrated so bad her body shutdown it was unbearable & my fault. Yet I kept trying & trying & trying. My dr, 2 lactation specialist, husband, family & everyone under the sun gave me advice telling me I could do it. We tried natural solutions, herbs, meds, feeding & pumping almost every hour ect but even after 4 months I couldn’t have more then .5 oz tops for a full day on a good day.
They took test & of course they found out I just can’t do it. My body doesn’t know how to do certain things (It took us 3 years & meds to have a baby ‘cuz I couldn’t ovulate) Even after that I still have people telling me I could of done it & it makes me want to cry every time. When people say things like this some can’t & it feels like a personal attack that we aren’t good enough.
Before becoming a mom, I will admit I thought a lot of these (or less informed variations) about other people. Didn’t say but thought. Then I had my first and was thoroughly circumstantially booby trapped. She was formula fed for the first year of her life. Perspective changed quite a bit. I chose to educate myself further, prepare, and was successful for #2. I’ve been in both sets of shoes. You do the best you can with what you are given. But breastfeeding IS the biological norm, guilt over your situation doesn’t change it. You do the best with what you have. Period. Moms will always be their own worst judges.
AMEN.
I am an admin for a support group on Facebook for IGT & Low Milk Supply moms. A member posted this page in the forums and I’m so glad I read it. Your post resonated strongly with me. Thank you for writing this.
Just want to say also, Amy you are right on with artificial baby milk being 4th in line. However, after your own milk (Fresh milk from a friend or family, and donor milk) are not so readily available for most women.
As a lactivist, I agree with all of this! (Some of those are terrible things to say by the way)
Amen! I tried and couldn’t and I abhor some of the responses I’ve received. It always frustrates me when the same folks who says its a choice whether or not to have the child then turn around and say its not a choice to breast feed – as if once the child is born you lose your choice! Great article!
TY!
Some also can’t breastfeed because they are fostering and in some foster situations you can nurse, or you can do it by lying by omission, but many the moms aren’t allowed to, and then some of them don’t even have a milk supply to begin with. There is also the case of not enough breast tissue and then of course certain diseases or medication that will pass on to the baby that is best left avoided.
Amy, I agree, except for the “Breast is the biological norm therefore anything else is inferior.” Wouldn’t it be great to get to a place where we don’t feel the need to compare? The vast majority of babies are going to have formula at some point, for a variety of reasons, many of them necessary and calling formula inferior is basically the same as calling it poison or garbage. It isn’t inferior. It is nutrition specially formulated and regulated for babies in the absence of breastmilk. I would argue that your point would be better made by arguing that we should stop comparing and respect the choices made by each mom as the right one for her and her baby. Not to say that breasteding shouldn’t be encouraged, but a stop to using terms that give the impression that the alternatives are inadequate.
Calling formula an inferior product compared to the one it’s trying to emulate, breastmilk, is absolutely not the same as calling it poison or garbage. Saying something is inferior isn’t a pejorative, by default. (eg, “Processed fruit snacks made from corn syrup are inferior to real fruit.”) It’s just a statement of fact, one that doesn’t have to carry an insult (unless it’s received that way). No one would say we should avoid saying those processed fruit snacks are inferior, because no one has a particularly charged view of the subject. We only end up down this road with breastmilk because it’s so tied to how we see mothering as a whole.
Formula is, by its very nature, inferior to breastmilk. Breastmilk is a living substance (it’s literally alive), and we don’t even fully know what it’s composed of; formula is not a living substance and does not include all the components of breastmilk.
I’m all for respecting moms and their choices (which should be clear from this piece, and this one: http://amywest.co/2012/11/19/judgey-breastfeeders-you-are-why-moms-choose-formula/). But I’m also not going to table the facts to keep from potentially hurting someone’s feelings. Moms are strong enough to hear the truth.
The first line of defense against not breastfeeding should still be breast milk (donated or shared, depending on availability and preference). Formula is actually 4th in line (direct BFing, mom’s own expressed milk, shared/donor milk, THEN formula). We need to see it for what it is.
There has to be a lot more work done to make banked milk more widely available. At this point there are no studies that show that unscreened donor milk from strangers is less risky than formula. And btw, in your smug post, you violated three of the items on your own list. As a mom who had to give her baby “inferior” nutrition when I was hospitalized due to an accident and no longer able to feed my baby I am certainly glad that a safe, affordable and regulated option existed for my poor husband and parents who had to care for my baby. I sure hope that you are never in the position of having to “poison” your child with “inferior” nutrition and have to read and listen to smug women who are lucky enough to have avoided being put in a position of not being able to care for their babies for a period of time. It is a far fall from that pedestal you put yourself on.
And no, formula is not fourth in line. Not even close. Come on. Most parents are not going to be comfortable giving their baby unscreened milk from some random stranger. Please. Don’t judge until you are in the other person’s shoes.
Well, we don’t need studies to know that ostensibly safe donor milk is far better than formula (shared informally or donated). Most parents don’t give milk from unscreened strangers, that’s crazy. No one advocates using fully unscreened milk…but getting shared milk from a mom whose history and lifestyle are known is preferable for a lot of moms.
Case in point, here’s a mom who was diagnosed with breast cancer while she was pregnant, is having a double mastectomy shortly after birth, and has made breastmilk happen for her newborn, even in the wake of all that: http://www.bestforbabes.org/miracle-milk-fund
Formula is not always safe. It is barely regulated. Moms in your situation deserve better.
If I couldn’t breastfeed, I’d make donor milk happen (either through milk banks, or more likely, I’d find donors, run labs, and then use their milk). I’m not judging anyone who doesn’t do that, but you mentioned it, and I want to be clear on what I’d do. I realize I’m in a place of privilege and means to do those things and not everyone is. There absolutely is a need for formula in this world. (The World Health Organization and AAP both say formula is 4th in line, by the way; I didn’t just make that up.)
If I did have to feed my baby formula, I would still know that it is inferior to breastmilk. I wouldn’t like that, but I wouldn’t feel guilty about it, because if I were using it, I would have exhausted all my other options. Can’t blame a mom for doing what she has to do. Rule #1 is feed the baby.
You are incorrect: Neither WHO or the AAP says formula is 4th in line. It is listed 4th is some documentation, and people assume this is an order. It is NOT . So while you may not be making it up, you are passing along incorrect information.
Actually, I’m *not* incorrect. And I’m getting tired of running circles around this issue.
Read it. It’s a flow chart from the AAP, and formula is 100% crystal clear LAST in the hierarchy of feeding choices: http://www2.aap.org/breastfeeding/files/pdf/InfantNutritionDisaster.pdf
Read this, too. http://whqlibdoc.who.int/publications/2003/9241562218.pdf See points 18 & 19. Formula is *only* to be used when breast milk of some kind (mom’s own milk, expressed mom’s milk, donor milk).
I am passing on correct information, and now I’ve cited it.
Amy, the reference you’ve quoted below doesn’t actually say what you’ve claimed at all.
http://whqlibdoc.who.int/publications/2003/9241562218.pdf, point 18, states that in situations where infants cannot be breastfed, the choice of the best alternative ‘depends on individual circumstances’. That’s it. No batting order given. Nothing about formula being fourth in line.
The WHO did indeed at one time hold the position that formula was fourth in line after expressed milk and donated milk. However, they changed that advice to the ‘depends on individual circumstances’ statement years ago, presumably in recognition of the fact that formula risks do have to be weighed up against the risk of HIV transmission.
As for the other reference you gave, that’s talking about disaster situations – no clean water, no chance of sterilising formula, no refrigeration available, no way of washing bottles, and a much higher risk of serious infections. That risk analysis isn’t applicable to day-to-day situations, any more than other decisions about what to do in disaster situations would necessarily be the best decisions in normal life.
HIV card doesn’t work. The benefits of breastfeeding outweigh the risks of formula in the third world, and if moms in the first world are taking ARVs, breastfeeding is fine. http://kellymom.com/blog-post/breastfeeding-and-hiv/
In the WHO doc: Breastfeeding is cited as #18. Formula is cited subsequently, as in, if you cannot do what’s in #18, move to formula. If you want to debate the way I’m reading that, it’s not happening.
So. It’s breastmilk, of some kind, then formula. We don’t even need to enumerate them 1-4. Every major health organization the world over agrees and states that breastfeeding and breast milk are superior to formula. (As does plain old common sense, can I just say that? It’s the biological norm. Deviating from that is experimental, at best.) We can just say that everyone, everywhere agrees that some form of safe breastmilk is ALWAYS better than formula (except in cases of galactosemia, etc, where it would be contraindicated).
Amy, #18 in that document lists possible alternatives to breastfeeding in cases where it isn’t possible – three other ways of giving breastmilk (expressed milk from the mother, wet-nursing, and donated milk from a milk bank), and breastmilk substitutes (i.e. formula). It clearly states that the choice between these alternatives depends on individual circumstances. It does *not* give an order of preference. Here is the sentence I’m referring to:
‘For those few health situations where infants cannot, or should not, be breastfed, the choice of the best alternative – expressed breast milk from an infant’s own mother, breast milk from a healthy wet-nurse or a human-milk bank, or a breast-milk substitute fed with a cup, which is a safer method than a feeding bottle and teat – depends on individual circumstances’.
I’m not ‘debating’ the way you’re reading it. I’m pointing out that you’ve read it wrong.
Vanessa, I did not want to breastfeed and gave my son infant formula for some time, I also know many women who could not or decided not to breastfeed. We all absolutely know and agree that infant formula is inferior to breastmilk; but that doesn’t change the fact that using infant formula was still the best decision under the circumstances! I find that mothers are very hard on themselves; I know I beat myself up for many years about using formula, but I think that the more gentle you can be with yourself and accepting about your decision, the less you angry and defensive you will feel. Parenting is not perfect. We all do the best we can. I didn’t know about donor milk and even if I did I don’t think I would have had the perseverance to acquire it! To each his or her own, and the whole point about Amy’s post is to ask breastfeeding advocates to stop saying things that make other moms feel bad, without invalidating the science. The science says that formula as a substance is inferior to breastmilk, they are not equal. Science does not say ANYTHING about the very difficult choices we make as parents in our particular situation. I’ll be the first to say that I know a lot of mothers that are way better parents than I am, and they didn’t breastfeed or give donor milk! I hope you will consider the ways in which you were booby-trapped and then let yourself completely and totally off the hook for feeding your baby formula, and focus on giving yourself a huge kudos for being the awesome mother you are. :-) At the end of the day, it’s love that matters most.
If you are doing it right it doesn’t hurt.
I was told that several times with my first son. Thankfully I had smart and supportive friends who told me it is totally normal for nursing to hurt until you get used to it. Just like it is totally normal for it not to hurt. Because everyone has different nipple sensitivity and every baby has a different latch. Took me a long time to be pain free, mostly because we developed a nasty case of thrush that lasted for weeks very early on. I’m glad I was able to struggle through and stick with it, but if I was ambivalent about nursing I would have thrown in the towel in frustration. I get why women give up. It seems like being honest with ladies is a smarter plan-we can take honesty. We can take the information that it might hurt for a while, but eventually it gets much easier.
I’m one foot on each side of this. After the first few days, it shouldn’t hurt. Which, like you said, you had thrush (which is a BEAST) and that caused it to hurt after it really shouldn’t have.
So on the one hand, yes, some moms will find it uncomfortable at first. But on the other hand, it truly shouldn’t hurt after the initial learning curve of getting used to it.
And I love what you said about how if you’d been ambivalent about it, you would have stopped. Same here. And I suspect it’s true for a LOT of moms.
Honestly, it hurt because of more than the thrush. And I saw several lactation consultants and my boy had a fine latch. I just have uber-sensitive nipples. And they cracked and bled like motherfuckers no matter how much lanolin I used. It really was painful for a long time. Until it wasn’t. And a lot of my girlfriends had similar experiences to me. Granted, a lot of them didn’t and were able to be pretty pain free. I’m glad if you were in that camp. But the range of normal is super duper wide. And just because it hurts for a long time doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong.
Did you use All Purpose Nipple Ointment? (Jack Newman’s stuff)…just curious.
I do still think that while the range of normal is wide, cracked and bleeding are not normal. Doesn’t mean you did anything wrong, but something went overlooked by your LCs there (tongue ties come to mind, and they can be overlooked very easily).
I used Medela Lanolin. I tried the Lansinoh but I found it was too thick to spread properly. I have two boys almost exactly two years apart and I had a “breaking in” period with both boys that involved painful and bleeding nipples. It was a struggle to figure out nursing with the first, but the second was very simple. Both had a good latch (my 15 month old still does-he is an awful biter in regular life-and I don’t want to jinx anything here-but he never dicks around and bites my nipple) but my nipples are just super sensitive. I didn’t want to wean my first until he was at least two, but I get sick my first trimester and my milk actually dried up when he was 18 months due to my pregnancy. I was heartbroken. But on top of drying up, my nipples got super sensitive and painful again right away when I was pregnant with #2. I will still committed to nursing the first (until there was literally nothing left) but I’d sit there and cry because it hurt so much. The last three months I nursed my first was like torture.
Sorry to comment so much-forgot about the tongue tie thing-both boys’ clickers were working just like they should!
I completely agree Karen. I still don’t know why it randomly hurts after doing it for almost 5 years but I think what it is, is my Montgomery glands swell up sometimes and with the baby’s mouth going over it, it just get irritated and eventually cuts open and bleeds. That’s not a latch issue at all. All of the APNO, lanolin, and coconut oil can’t do anything because every time LO nurses it rips the scab back off. It lasts months sometimes. With both of my boys I had it for a few days when they were newborn and I’ve had it 5 other times with my younger nursling.
That sounds awful! :(
Yes! I have told many a mom all of these, and I’ve heard many a mom recite all of these, usually through tears because they feel “inadequate” because they are having difficulty. I see many, many moms with small and large a barriers to breastfeeding, including my own (G-tube fed baby, and extreme preemie 26 weeks) A lot of the time, I can help them, if not, then I add, “if you do all of this, or, if you can’t do all of this for whatever reason, and you still cannot breast feed, you have done all you can do, do not feel one iota of guilt” I started my breast pump rental service because of this. This is going on my “The Breast Pump Lady” page……thanks for sharing
Wonderful that you started a biz after your experience! You’re bringing so much to the table, it’s great to hear you’re helping other moms.
Thank you!! I have left several groups and such for hearing women brag about having another mother in tears for buying formula etc. It is disgusting. I am currently in my PhD at the College of Nursing and Healthcare Innovation at ASU looking at public health aspects of breast milk sharing and so forth, and the things I hear even some of the aspiring lactation consultants say floors me. If we can’t support one another as a community of mothers, how can we then be surprised when nothing in the way of progress happens?
Very well written, I have heard and even used a few. Thank you for bringing it to my attention.
I will never judge a mom that has trouble breastfeeding because I was that mom. When you’re running on 2 hours of sleep over a span of 3 days and you’ve got a screaming newborn (which, by the way, is the most disturbing sound you will ever hear) you will most likely use formula. That icky, sticky colostrum is almost impossible to pump, and if you’re not actually nursing, building your milk supply is hell. So yeah, I can sympathize with mothers who don’t . Luckily, I was able to see a lactation consultant when my son was about a week old and it’s been amazing ever since. It does bother me that some moms don’t try harder and give up after one time, but I seemed to have the universe on my side. I ended up talking to so many moms who had breastfed their kids that told me not to give up, saw 2 different consultants, had 3 different people recommend Lanolin, and most of all–they didn’t make me feel bad for feeding formula.
I know I shouldn’t judge anyone at all, but it’s just so hard not to judge moms that choose not to breastfeed for selfish reasons. Being a mother I can’t imagine wanting anything less than the best (or normal, as you say it, because it is normal) and when a woman has the opportunity to give that to her baby and just…stops. I don’t get it. Because it hurts? Right. Okay. I’m pretty sure burning nipples is nothing compared to labor. Because it’s easier to make bottles? HA. Good one. Some of us spend weeks getting the baby to latch, some can’t get it to latch at all, and this chick over here has a flawless milk supply, perfect latch, and… she quits. WTF?!?!?
By the way, I love your other articles and how you totally call out advertisers on their light brainwashing :P …and we sit here and wonder why no one breastfeeds.
I agree! As for the article I do admit to feeling like most moms can BF if they did xy and z. And I usually say something, especially if they say something online or in a public area around other moms or moms to be (I want to educate). Also, even if it was in the past what about the fact that they are likely to spread their misinformation to others including their own daughters and daughters-in-laws? Also, I feel like people should expect the norm ( and that’s what I try and focus on). Sure some people can’t and I think it’s important to recognize that fact, but I see a lot of people who jump straight to that line of thinking when they say something along the lines of “not everyone can breastfeed” when I simply correct misinformation to a mom thinking that she can’t breastfeed her baby.
I agree that we should discuss BFing as the norm (because it is and it should be, from a basic evolutionary standpoint). However, the assumption that any individual mom can is a big jump, because it’s not just physical barriers that prevent moms from succeeding. The “mile in her shoes” element to all this is a big one.
Formula helped me continue to breastfeed my oldest. While some women can’t breastfeed due to under-producing (yes it does happen) I had the opposite problem. I had enough milk for 4 kids and was CONSTANTLY engorged and had a horrible time getting my child to latch on. (Picture trying to get a baby to latch on to a rock twice as big as his head) While trying to figure out the pumping and working through the pain, my son was given formula to keep him from starving to death while I tried to get my overachieving breasts to cooperate. I never felt bad or guilty about giving him the formula. He stopped screaming, I stopped crying, and we were able to relax and figure it all out. After things finally started working and my breasts finally regulated to the supply and demand stage (no matter what LCs tried to tell me this did NOT happen until 6 weeks PP) I still had my husband give him a bottle of formula on the one day a week that I worked. Neither my son, nor I, seemed to suffer from this. I keep hearing stories about these unintelligent, unhealthy formula-fed kids but I have never personally met them. All three of my kids were breastfed and just between the three of them I have one that is more intelligent than the others and one that is more unhealthy than the others. My kids get ear infections and are nearsighted and have allergies, all things I was told breastfeeding would help to alleviate. I think being a new mom is hard enough without putting stress, fear, and guilt about how your baby is fed on top of it. There is a big difference between support and judgment.
Wholeheartedly agree! I breast fed my son 38 months, but I’ll agree with all of those points. Breast feeding beyond 3 who am I to judge or comment when I know how crap other people’s unwanted and unasked for commentary is. Looking forward to reading the “should say” :)
And, there is nothing sexual about it….(but, there is nothing wrong with bottle feeding, either, although it is more expensive)
Breast feeding is ‘normal’…and it is best if the mother is able to effectively do it. But, if she is anxious, or inhibited by it….it is more difficult…..
Hi, I’m a breastfeeding failure. I’m curious as to why is it the responsibility of YOU to make sure my feelings don’t get hurt when discussing breastfeeding. I do not associate my own self worth with the fact that I gave up breastfeeding my daughter WAY too soon because it got hard and I didn’t have good support. It’s still an awful choice I made, put her at greater health risk, and today she suffers from asthma and allergies.
But I’m a grown up and willing to take responsibility for my poor choice. It’s nice of you to think of my feelings, but really, you needn’t wear gloves. I won’t break. I know I made a crappy choice and when I hear these negative things about my bad choice I say, “Girl, you are dead right. Wish I could go back.”
Women who KNOW how important breastfeeding is simply need to keep talking about it. Not be bombarded with all these social rules about what they can and cannot say. Every mom should breastfeed. Period. That should be the goal. Those who have legitimate troubles know who they are, know they got bad info, know they have a medical problem. They should not feel shamed by others.
I think the most important thing for all women to remember is that THEY are fluid individuals, ever-changing and growing and just as I do not feel ashamed for mistakes I made in my childhood before I knew better, I also do not carry about shame over my failure at breastfeeding. Failing at something is okay, I’m just glad I know better today.
So, please feel free to continue saying any of these things if they are true. I am not offended. I know I made a mistake. I am taking responsibility for it. And all other moms out there like me should do the same and not expect to find their happiness in the judgment of others, but in their own innate identity, that is not tied to decisions made in the past. LOVE yourself! Feel sadness in the missed opportunity, and let it go. Share your story! And forgive yourself. But don’t rely on others to know the right thing to say.
This may be the most moving thing I’ve ever read on the internet. Thank you!!! I am a breastfeeding success story, but have made plenty of other mistakes in my life and in my parenting, and this post exactly explains how empathy and honesty can work together to further progress. If women “feel guilty” for not breastfeeding, then they know how important it is! Why would they care if it’s meaningless? And so it is EXACTLY those women who can best spread the message about the predatory formula marketing, lack of real support – or even information – in the health care industry, cultural biases, and unrealistic expectations (due to lack of information). I often feel like my mere existence is irksome to “breastfeeding failures”, because they assume I judge them. NO! I would absolutely judge the marketing exec or pediatrician or nurse or lactation consultant or mother-in-law who pressured you into formula or failed to support your choice to breastfeed. But I do not judge YOU for doing the best you could in your situation. It was information, not just perseverance, that made me a success story. And I’m acutely aware that few women had as much information as I did before the birth of their first child. Education and support, not judgment, are the answers here.
Oh I LOVE this. Right on. “I would absolutely judge the marketing exec or pediatrician or nurse or lactation consultant or mother-in-law who pressured you into formula or failed to support your choice to breastfeed. But I do not judge YOU for doing the best you could in your situation.”
Thanks for the kind & thoughtful words!
I agree! I do have one question. What about the people that refuse to educate themselves even though they have the ability?
They are frustrating, for sure, but I still don’t think it’s anyone else’s place to judge. After all, I’m assuming there’s some deep stuff keeping them from allowing that information into their views, ya know?
So basically “don’t advocate for babies because it might hurt someone’s feelings.” Good to know!
Love it! I started out breastfeeding both my boys, but they both had a generic disorder which, among other things, gave them a SEVERE milk protein allergy. I wasn’t eating dairy or wheat at all, and they still had blood in their diapers and would scream for hours on end every night with hurting tummies. The GI doc at TX Children’s told me that, with an allergy that severe, it wouldn’t matter wht I eliminated, they’d still have problems, an I’d end up starving myself. Formula was the only healthy option for us, even though I really wanted to breastfeed.
This is a list we need to STOP saying! These phrases and the assumptions behind are so harmful! I agree with you 100%. Well written!
I just posted a response and now it is gone…did someone delete it? If so, that’s a funny way to run a blog…
It might be queued for moderation. This blog has been dormant since August as we prepare to relaunch. Sorry for any inconvenience.
I posted something recently that is no longer here…did it get deleted??
Here are my thoughts. Since breastfeeding is not the “norm” but medical evidence shows that it should be, AND since there is such heavy persuasive advertising by multi-million dollar companies to push a product that makes them tons of money, pro-breastfeeding advocates should use language that is strong.
My response to #1: Most moms can breastfeed and many many moms worry that they don’t make enough milk. Because of that reason, it is very important to let moms know that they can, in fact, most likely breastfeed successfully if they try at it.
To me it is like this…some people choose to feed their kids (and themselves) lots of processed foods and other things available today without worrying about the health risks. Isn’t the formula/breastfeeding debate the same thing? If you don’t worry about it, fine! Choose formula. Don’t get angry/offended about the campaigns to educate people about the optimal health benefits of breastmilk. You make your own choices.
Breastfeeding mothers do need to think about extra things if they choose to breastfeed…they have to be aware of what they put in their bodies and what chemicals they are exposed to, manage the time spent away from baby, and deal with some of the breastfeeding problems that can arise. In some ways it is more convenient, some ways not.
Number 9 is so sad ! I guess I must have been very lucky.. I’m a grandma in my late forties … I was breastfed, my mom and my grandma’s were breastfed .. and I breastfed my children and my daughter breastfeeds her child.. I never really knew anyone in my family (or my husbands )who didn’t breastfeed. I see how it has a huge impact having that as your norm in having a successful breastfeeding experience.
My daughter had a hideous birth experience, a c-section, transfusion, complications, nic-u for the baby for 6 days, INCREDIBLY AWFUL lactation consultants and nurses at the hospital. who really sabotaged her and made her feel awful. They had the baby taking a bottle with a fast flow nipple, feeding with the bottle straight to her mouth ..so easy for baby so she didn’t want to nurse, and was very stubborn about it. My daughter easily could have given up when she came home from the hospital and the baby didn’t want to nurse. But she stuck it out. She got tips from me and her aunt and her grandma’s .. and in the end she just waited out the baby, and when she got hungry enough .. she latched on and nursed. The end. She’s still breastfeeding 2 years later.
In contrast , my daughter in law has a family history of all formula feeding — she ended up with an uncomplicated c-section, tried once or twice to nurse the baby ( at my son’s urging ).. was in pain from the c-section, and stopped breastfeeding immediately. And wic gave her formula, so she didn’t need to worry about the cost. No one in her family helped her to figure out how to breastfeed, and the bottle was the norm for them anyway.
I also have a step daughter who lives 1,000 miles away from all of us .. she has the ideal of breast feeding, and tried really, really hard on her own – and with help from lactation consultants and groups and what not .. But I think she had a much, much harder time of it being far away from the fast and easy help of an experienced grandma or auntie. And much more prone to fall prey to the current obsessions with pumping and frequency and stressing on the entire thing . She did hang in there, even while working — but it was extremely stressful for her.